If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
