My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
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New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
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Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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