i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
