It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
