Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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