I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
