mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
