I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
