her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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