you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
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yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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