I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
