My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
