A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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