i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
