How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
