see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
