nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
