I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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