I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
