Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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