funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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