my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
only you would photoshop your dick
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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