What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
