I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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