I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
