Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
