Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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