I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
