You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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