I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
