do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
