my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
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I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
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There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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