So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
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They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
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my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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