i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
