you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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