Yo dont text me then not text me
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
