If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Dating After Heartbreak
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.