I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
