I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.