our cab driver is having phone sex.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
