Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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