remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
