I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
No I am not eating basil off your cock
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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