We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
