the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
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Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
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Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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