NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
