What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
