who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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