Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
