dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
