I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
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Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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