He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Randomize
