her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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