He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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