he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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