$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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