i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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