How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Randomize
