Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
