Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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