I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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