I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
